


put on a slow dumb show for you (and crack you up)

by sondersoflight



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, a lot of your mom jokes obviously, fix it of sorts i guess, maybe your mom will be our always, morons to lovers, talks about mental/physical abuse, theres so much pinning on this im surprised they even have jobs, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-11-23 19:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20895188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sondersoflight/pseuds/sondersoflight
Summary: “I would have expected Marsh and Hanscom to have this tragic, spanning years and continents life ruined shit.”“Well you know me,” Richie says jokingly, “I can’t let fucking Molly Ringwald one up me.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this got out of control really fast and i dont even know what it became? really richie centric or richie pov. title is from slow show by the national (which is a v richie song tbh) and the lyrics in the beginning are from there too. all mistakes are mine, this is unbetaed.

_My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins_  
_I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in_  
_You could drive a car through my head in five minutes_  
_From one side of it to the other_

_I wanna hurry home to you_  
_Put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up_  
_So you can put a blue ribbon on my brain_  
_God, I'm very, very frightened, I'll overdo it_

_You know I dreamed about you_  
_For twenty-nine years before I saw you_  
_You know I dreamed about you_  
_I missed you for, for twenty-nine years_

Eddie goes back because well – he just does.

Richie never expected anything different. Eddie lived and that is all that mattered. That is all he ever cared for when he was screaming in that awful awful place for the others to not leave Eddie behind. It was his stubbornness that had saved Eddie in the end.

When they had arrived at the hospital, he was holding onto Eddie’s hand so tight, the nurse had to pry his fingers off to move him along.

“You have to let him go Sir!” she had said, “He is not going to make it if you don’t let him go!”

Richie remembers watching as Eddie’s hand fell down, hanging off the gurney as they moved him towards the O.R.

And just like that Richie had collapsed on the floor, his hands covered in Eddie’s blood, his glasses soaked in it. He felt Ben and Bev leaning down to try to help him up but he was dead weight. He wondered if that was the last time he would see Eddie alive.

But after eight long hours the same nurse that had yelled at him came back to let them know, by some sort of miracle their friend was alive.

So Eddie lived and he recovered and he went back to New York because he was always going to. Richie had never expected something else.

He wasn’t brave enough to do so.

-

He receives the first call at 11pm on a Tuesday.

Eddie is in his contacts, Bill had insisted for all of them to have a Chat Group, as ridiculous as it was. So yeah, Richie has Eddie’s number by proxy. And maybe he did assign the blurry picture he had taken of his handiwork in the Kissing Bridge back in Derry before he went back to L.A. but, no one was checking for him.

When he picks up the phone from his desks he almost drops it when he sees the picture come up. But he is an adult, and he can handle this. It’s been over three months and he had made no attempt to contact Eddie outside of their stupid little Chat Group.

This is fine though. Totally.

“Spagheds!” he says lamely as soon as he picks up.

“Do not call me that, what the fuck.” Is the first thing Eddie says. His speech sounds weird, kind of slurred.

“Isn’t like 2 a.m. there? I thought your bed time was by 9.”

“Fuck that honestly,” Eddie sighs and then adds, “Do you know my therapist thinks I have road rage? I started seeing a therapist after I got back, and she just told me today – “

“Well that’s just offensive,” Richie says.

“I know – “

“You have every possible sort of rage, Eds. Not just road rage.”

“Fuck you.” Eddie says but Richie can hear how he is trying to bite down his laughter. “I’m angry because I’m right.”

“Are you drunk?” Richie asks.

He leans back on his pillow. He can see through his bedroom window the entire L.A. skyline. It’s the only reason he bought this fucking house in the first place.

“Maybe a little,” Eddie answers bluntly. “I’m fucking – why didn’t you ever fucking call me?”

“Well – “Richie starts “I was too busy fucking your mother to – “

“Cut the bullshit Richie.” Eddie interrupts him. “If I wanted to hear your stupid jokes, I would pay a five-dollar ticket to one of your shitty shows.”

“Aw Eds! Looks like you still got some fire in you,” Richie says, and he can’t help but to laugh.

“You make me this way,” Eddie says, and it sounds like an accusation. “I don’t know how you make me so angry all the time.”

“I just bring out the best in you really,” Richie says jokingly. “All that stuff you’ve been repressing.”

After this – Eddie is quiet for a couple of seconds.

“Fuck you.” He finally says.

And he hangs up.

-

Eddie doesn’t bring it up the next day and Richie just lets it go. He doesn’t know what’s the exact etiquette to handle _late night calls from the love of your life that doesn’t know his status_ but he has never been good at following etiquette so that is probably a good thing.

He meets up with his manager on Friday and he tells him he wants to come out. He is sick and tired of getting on a stage and telling jokes someone else writes for him about how many girls he has fucked. It’s not funny, it’s stupid. It’s not sincere.

All Richie has, all he has ever had is his honesty.

Now that he has uncovered all his childhood memories, including his trauma, and he doesn’t think they are going away ever again, he can put them to good use. I mean – what else would make someone turn into a comedian if not childhood trauma? Specially the trauma of growing up queer in a small town in the middle of no fucking where while being in love with your best friend.

It’s sad really – which makes it kind of funny.

His managers accepts and agrees to set up some shows in smaller venues first – just for Richie to test if he is comfortable enough to do it. And maybe don’t vomit or pass out.

He walks out of the office feeling more content than he has – well ever since he started working. He finally feels like he has found himself in the midst of it all. He sends a quick text to the group chat,

**rich **

_good news everyone! Im gay! Also im telling the world! _

And he is so nervous, he puts his cellphone back in his pocket and manages to not look – even if he feels it vibrating nonstop – until late at night when he arrives back home. Richie only acts like he doesn’t care about what anyone thinks, but he does. Specially what his childhood friends do because – well they are the only thing akin to a family he ever had. He doesn’t know what to do if they rejected him.

He just figured he’d need to tell them before they read it off somewhere else. He’s not even that famous but the press loves picking up on this kind of stuff.

At least now he’s put physical distance between all of them and if they get mean or whatever he can just drop out of the group chat and hope that some way he gets _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_ syndrome again.

What he sees when he finally looks at his phone almost makes him cry.

**bev**

_oh Richie I’m so proud of you! are you going to do it at a show? we can be there if you want_

**ben**

_man great going! _

**bill**

_yeah that is great rich! good for you!_

**mike **

_ur gr8 trashmouth_

Eddie is the only one that has sent a ridiculous thumbs up emoji, which is. Eddie doesn’t even use emojis.

So, it’s whatever really. Richie lets it go. 4/5 are happy for him so he doesn’t care. Even if the person whose opinion matters the most sent a stupid ass emoji.

-

The next call comes on Sunday at 1 a.m.

“It’s 4 a.m. there. I know because I added the New York clock to my phone.” Is what he says as soon as he picks up.

“You added a New York clock to your phone?” Eddie says in a weird tone. “What are you doing up?”

“I don’t sleep very well. Or a lot.” Richie sighs. “The burden of a privileged mind.”

Eddie snorts.

“You don’t sound drunk.” Richie says after a second, breaking the unbroken bond to not speak of whatever the fuck Eddie’s last phone call had been.

“I’ve had a few.” Eddie says, “Why didn’t you ever tell me you were gay?”

“I didn’t tell anyone Eds,” Richie explains, “That was kind of the point. The other day on my manager’s office, that was the first time I said it out loud.”

“How did it feel?” Eddie asks.

“Like I was finally letting go of a giant rock that had been holding me down.” Richie answers, sincerely. “It was what It taunted me about.”

They don’t say anything for a couple of seconds, but Richie feels the need to fill the silence.

“Are you disgusted, by me?”

“No!” Eddie stutters “No. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, your response was kind of weird.” Richie says and he leans forward to pull the covers tighter around him.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie says and then he explains, “I was just, really amazed at how brave you are.”

And then he adds in a lower tone. “I wish I was.”

Richie feels the familiar uncomfortable itch of his palms whenever a conversation turns remotely serious. He wants desperately to make a joke, but he fights it, and tries to say the right thing for once.

“You are Eds,” Richie says as he sits up in bed. “Remember what I told you? You are braver than you think.”

The line goes dead, as if there is something Eddie wants to say but he can’t find the words for.

“You had to be to withstand me fucking your mother all those years.” Richie adds but the joke falls flat.

“Man, I really hope your gay jokes are better than your straight jokes. Or you are gonna end up living on the street.”

And Eddie hangs up on him again.

-

Ben and Bev do make good on their word and come to Richie’s big coming out show. It’s actually a super small show in a cute little bar like venue, but it does sell out. People love to stare at tragic messes, and Richie guesses that is what everyone is expecting after his last appearance.

He can see when he peeks from behind the heavy curtain that separates the small stage from the room, people already have their phones out. Richie kind of wants to throw up again.

He is pacing around behind the curtain when Bev comes running towards him, Ben following close behind.

“Oh sweetie!” she says and she sounds so happy. “We are so glad for you Richie.”

“I feel like I might pass out, so if I do please leave me there.” Richie says and he realizes his voice is coming up at an abnormally fast speed. “I think I’m having a panic attack again.”

Ben and Beverly look at each other in that concerned ways parents tend to do, not that Richie would know from first hand experience but well – and Ben guides him towards a small couch that is the small space. Bev sits down in front of him and reaches out to hold Richie’s shaking hands, while Ben sits in the arm rest pressing his open palm against Richie’s back.

“I’m scared.” Is all Richie manages, and he is amazed at the fact that he is able to admit to it.

Honestly, his therapist should lower his fucking ridiculous rate at this point, Richie is doing much better.

“Honey,” Bev says, “You know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. If you want us to sneak you out of here, just say the word.”

“No, it’s not,” Richie says, and he runs one of his hands through his messy hair. “I always got on stage and told somebody else’s jokes. And if people didn’t like them, well that was on somebody else.”

Bev nods.

“But this is me, Bev.” Richie hates how his voice starts shaking, wishes he could stop being so fucking emotional all of the time now. “I wrote an entire segment on what it was like to be a weird gay kid with ADHD in a small town full of assholes.”

A second goes by.

“I wrote an entire thing on what it was like to grow up being secretly in love with your best friend.”

“Oh honey,” is all Bev says and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around Richie. Her hair smell like strawberries. “Does he know?”

“No.” Richie says. “No, I can’t – “

“It’s okay Rich.” Ben says and he leans down to ruffle his hair. “Whatever you decide to do with this, it’s ok.”

“God, I’m such a fucking asshole,” Richie mutters as he pulls away from the hug and pulls off his glasses to wipe his tears. “I invited you here just to cry on you and confess my undying love for an angry garden gnome.”

“Richie, we have always known.” Beverly says and Richie thinks back at the sad look in her eyes when he was screaming over Eddie’s unconscious body in the tunnels.

“Right.” Richie says.

“It must be serious though,” Ben says and his tone is teasing. “For the man who called Pennywise a sloppy bitch to be in pieces. You are not scared of that fucking clown, but you are of little Eddie?”

“He is scary.” Richie mutters but he is smiling. And then, “This is the first time I’ve told anyone out loud.”

Ben and Bev hug him again.

The show goes by great. The audience loves it, and honestly Richie loves it too. He feels like he can finally share something sincere and real, and it’s fucking terrifying but it must also be relatable since people laugh and clap the whole hour.

Once it’s done, they go out drinking and after Bev tells the barman where they are coming from he gifts Richie with a small rainbow pin. They down a couple of drinks and when their cheeks are already rosy and their eyes teary from laughing so much, they take a picture and send it to the group chat.

**richie**

_w benverly!!!_

**richie**

_im a gay icon now btw_

**richie**

_like cher_

**bill **

_I somehow doubt that_

**richie**

_thats homophobic big bill_

Bill sends a picture of him looking like he’s mid eye roll and Mike just sends a string of weird emojis.

Eddie doesn’t say anything at all. Richie is fine with it.

-

The next call comes on a Saturday at 4 a.m. He keeps picking up because – he is not really asleep anyway and because, well it’s Eddie.

“It is 7 in the fucking morning where you are, so if you are drunk you should be sleeping it off already.” Richie says as a greeting.

He hears a weird noise on the other side, like – sniffing and.

“Eds are you ok?” Richie says, suddenly fully awake. He sits up on the couch and makes a grab for his computer, thinking of googling on when is the next flight to New York going. “Are you crying?”

“I’m not, asshole.” Is all Eddie says but he is sniffing.

Eddie only cried in front of Richie two times, but he remembers the sounds. At least he does, now.

“I’m so tired of remembering.” Eddie finally says, “It’s not only that is not fading away but that all of these memories keep coming back.”

Richie doesn’t say anything.

“It’s so fucking stupid,” Eddie continues, slurring a little. “Before all of this – I was miserable but at least I thought I had always been. I was fucking unhappy and frustrated, but it was ok because I didn’t know how to feel other way.”

“Eds –“

“No, shut the fuck up and let me finish.” Eddie says, “But now I can’t stop remembering. How happy I was when I was – when we were growing up. When I was with you.”

There’s only silence for a couple of seconds.

“You can talk now.” Eddie adds, “No that you’ve ever needed my permission.”

“I was happy with you too.” Richie says, and he feels so scared. This is the closest they’ve ever gotten to talk about _something_. Something real.

He wants to say so many things, things that sound like some shitty script of one of Bill’s books. Things like, _I missed you for 27 years, I walked around with a giant Eddie shaped hole that I didn’t know what it was and I tried to fill it with everything I could find but it didn’t work _but people don’t say those things in real life.

“Do you know – “ Eddie says his words slurring a bit. “I hate alcohol like really it tastes awful. But I just drink it because it’s the only way – I can have this.”

“Are you saying I’m turning you into an alcoholic?”

“Beep fucking Beep.”

“I can joke about that – I had an alcoholic mother, you know.” Richie adds as an afterthought.

“I remember that too.” Eddie says, “I remember how you hated being at home and how you crawled through my window almost every single night and you pretended you were going to sleep on the floor, but you always ended up with me in my bed.”

The memory hurts – it’s not that Richie didn’t remember, but it feels like dusting off this very precious thing that has been in the back of his mind sitting on a shelf where he keeps all that he has deemed as _Eds._

“I don’t even sleep in the same bed as my wi- as Myra.” Eddie says after a minute and Richie feels his body go tense. He doesn’t want Eddie to confess to things he doesn’t want to say while he is intoxicated.

“I never have. And I don’t even want to. But now I remembered this and I – I miss sleeping with you.”

Richie clears his throat before answering.

“I didn’t have trouble sleeping when I was with you, Eds.”

He hears something on the other side akin to a sob.

“I never said – I – I just,” Eddie stutters and then “God this is so fucking stupid.”

The line goes dead.

-

It turns out, his new show it’s pretty successful. He was never expecting people to be interested on what he really had to say but apparently, they do want to hear it when it’s something honest.

It ends up attracting so many people that Netflix call him to give him some sort of stand-up show and obviously, Richie ends up overwhelmed, wheezing in his manager’s bathroom. Once his panic attack is over he says yes, obviously. And he tells his friends because well – who else is he going to tell?

**richie**

_when my special goes on Netflix is over for you bitches_

**bill**

_please stop talking with memes you are forty is embarrassing_

**bill**

_but congrats dude!_

**richie**

_the fact that u know this meme says more about u than me_

**richie**

_also calling me embarrassing? homophobic_

**mike**

_im selling all ur dirt to tmz_

He is about to reply when his phone starts buzzing. His breath hitches – but Bev’s picture comes on screen and squashes that hope. He tries not to sound disappointed when he picks up.

“Richie – you have to tell Eddie.” Is her opening line.

“Hello to you too Molly! I’m doing good – about to go out to get some extra cheesy pizza. But enough about me – tell me about you –“

“Richie this isn’t a joke.” Bev says using her _serious _voice and honestly – that is a dirty fucking trick. “I thought you would have told him by now but if he finds out from watching it on fucking Netflix I’m scared he is going to jump on a plane to L.A. and murder you.”

Richie sighs. He knows she’s right. It’s honestly ridiculous he is gotten to this point – about going on and on about how in love he was and still is with his best friend to a bunch of different strangers every night and he still hasn’t fucking told him.

The thing is – Richie knows once he tells him it will be over. Eddie will stop calling and talking to him at all. It will taint every memory he has of their friendship – he will realize Richie was always staring a little longer, touching more than necessary, always pretending to be asleep to stay in bed with him.

It will ruin everything.

And Bev doesn’t get it. And it’s ok that she doesn’t – Richie is glad really. But he doesn’t know what he is going to do.

“I’ll think about it.” He finally says.

On the other side of the line, she sighs.

-

The thought kind of slips by – or he decides to ignore it. Two weeks go by and he still has a couple more to go until he records the special, so he keeps telling himself he’ll tell Eddie at some point.

Richie knows he is not a brave person per se – all his bravado and big mouth are just things he always used to cover that up. And he is fine with keeping it up – honestly his therapist doesn’t know shit.

He is more than a little surprised when he receives an audio message from Eddie at noon on a Thursday. Eddie has never tried talking to him outside the group chat – except for all his weird drunk late-night calls. But it has also been a while since the last one, so Richie is confused when he sees the notification pop up.

What he hears when he clicks play, makes his stomach drop.

It’s his own voice, it sounds grainy and far away, probably because it’s the recording of a recording. But he can still perfectly make out what is being said.

_“- imagine my surprise when I realized oh man! The reason all my friends want this girl to pay attention to them and I don’t it’s probably because I’d rather have the attention of my hypochondriac bitchy miniature fanny pack wearing elf!” _he hears people laughing in the back of the recording and he swallows because he knows what’s coming. _“So like a fucking idiot I went to this cheesiest spot in town and I carved our initials together inside a heart. Honestly is there a more graphic definition of a tragic gay disaster?”_

The recording cuts off.

Richie gets up and runs towards the bathroom, feeling his lunch coming back up his throat.

And he must pass out on the bathroom floor, because when he opens his eyes again, it’s dark out and his phone is vibrating in his hand.

Of course – it’s Eddie. Also, he cracked his screen again. Fucking ace.

“I thought I knew all about you being a fucking asshole, but this crosses a fucking line.” Is what Eddie is saying as soon as Richie picks up.

He feels his gut churning again.

“Eds, I’m s-“

“No!” Eddie almost yells. “I told you things – like personal and you took that and you used it and –“

Richie suddenly feels confused.

“What?” Richie says, “What are you talking about?”

“The last time we talked I told you I was in l- I told you that I liked you when we were kids. And you took that and – how did you even know about the kissing bridge thing?”

“You never said you liked me, Eds what the fuck?”

“I told you I was happy with you Richie. Are you going to tell me you can’t read between the fucking lines?”

“No,” Richie says and then adds a little offended. “Fuck you for thinking I would ever do something like that in the first place.”

The line goes silent for a couple of minutes. Richie can hear Eddie’s labored breathing on the other side.

“Is it real?” Eddie asks in a small voice. “Where you – are you still,”

“Yes, I’m fucking in love with you. I’ve been fucking in love with you since we were two fucking idiot kids. And I was too chicken shit to tell you this entire time.” And then Richie starts laughing. “Figures you would shove me to say it with your mean streak like you do with everything else.”

“What the fuck.”

“I get it if you – “

“Did you really – on the kissing bridge?”

Richie pulls the phone from his ear and exited the call to pull up Eddie’s contact picture and send it to him.

“There you have it,” Richie says, “I’m a fucking pathetic mess.”

“Come to New York.”

Richie almost drops his phone.

“What?”

“Come – “

“No, I heard you.” Richie says and he is so tempted. He is so fucking tempted – but, he’s not a child anymore. “Eds, you are still married.”

Eddie sorts. “My marriage is the biggest sham since I don’t know – the 2000 election.”

“Yeah but – “ Richie says and he presses the heel of his hand into his eyes. “God, I fucking hate this. I hate having to say fucking grown up things and act fucking mature.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything.

“Eds, I’ve been in love with you – almost my entire life. And I accepted like when we were kids that it wouldn’t ever come to anything. And then I forgot – but I don’t know if I really did because it feels like – anyway. And when I saw you again it all came back. And it’s good because at least I know what is going on with me but it’s bad because – “

Richie feels how his hands start shaking but he presses his eyes closed, trying not to think about what he is saying.

“It doesn’t matter. I can live with that Eds, but what I won’t be able to handle is you, jerking me around.”

“I would never –“

“I know you wouldn’t.” Richie says, and he feels the back of his eyes are burning. “Eddie you are the first person that ever made me feel like I mattered. Our friendship was and is – so important. And if you are not sure – if you are not really sure I can’t,”

“You want me to leave her first.” Eddie says.

_You don’t even love her. You don’t even like her. _Richie wants to scream, but he isn’t a side piece on some five-o clock soap opera and he doesn’t expect Eddie to unpack 30 years on abuse on some love confession. Life doesn’t work that way.

“I can be your friend and I can keep being in love with you like a tragic – “ and fuck he almost laughs because all of this conversation is fucking ridiculous. “But I can’t be with you in pieces or have you and then have you take that from me because – I would end up resenting you. And I don’t ever want that.”

Eddie stays quiet for a couple of minutes.

And then “You must really love me.”

“I really do Eds,” Richie says, and he feels as if his chest is filled with air as he says it. “I love you – so much.”

“I love you too, Rich.” Eddie says, “This is the first time anyone was said this to me. I mean in a romantic way – I guess.”

Richie bites his lips, feeling the hot tears slide down his cheeks. He is glad he lives alone, and that Eddie is a million miles away because he must look like a pathetic mess right now. Lying on the bathroom floor, crying and smelling like vomit and sweat.

“I love you too Rich,” Eddie repeats in a whisper. “I do – I just,”

He feels his eyes burning even more then, and squeezes his free hand into a fist, his nails biting down on his skin. Richie has waited so long to hear those words – he can’t believe how much it hurts.

“It’s ok Eds,”

Eddie laughs.

“Why are you always trying to make me feel better?”

“Just an old habit, Spaghetti man.” Richie says.

The line goes silent again but it’s uncomfortable – it’s good silence. The kind Richie had missed.

“I was never allowed to want anything in my life.” Eddie says, “And I didn’t think I had – until I walked into that filthy restaurant and saw you standing there in stupid shirt with those stupid glasses.”

Richie feels his heart rate picking up again.

“And then I remembered – I had always – always,”

“You think my Hawaiian shirts are hot,” Richie sings songs, interrupting.

“God, you are so fucking annoying.” Eddie says but he is laughing. 

And it makes Richie smile.

Eddie hangs up but a second later, Richie hears his phone vibrate. When he pulls up his chat with Eddie, he sees a picture similar to the one he had sent before, it’s a blurry shot of the kissing bridge back in Derry.

There’s an R with a heart drawn around it.

-

Ben and Bev get married on September.

Richie has really tried sticking to his plan of trying not to think about how Eddie knows now that, knows the one thing Richie had worked so hard to keep from him. And he takes a plane to fucking Boston to go to their wedding.

He makes a point to arrive on the same day they get married, because he does not trust himself around Eddie.

It’s like – when Richie was young there was a period of time when his mom had tried to get sober. She had made the effort – he could tell. She had drained all the bottles down the sink and for six months she had stayed cleaned.

She had made Richie lunch every day – he had gained some weight back and everything. During those months, there were even some nights when he stayed sleeping in his bedroom and did not bike over to Eddie’s house.

And then one day – they had gone to the supermarket and there had been some lady giving out free samples of a new sparkly wine. And her mom had not even tried it but she had looked at it _like_ – and then Richie had arrived home that night and found her passed out in the couch, an empty vodka bottle hanging from her hand.

Richie is his mother’s child.

And his addiction is more dangerous. Because he loves Eddie so much – it makes him want to do crazy things. Like stay in the tunnels when the foundations are falling down and risk all of his other friends’ life to drag his almost lifeless body out of there. Crazy things like loving a boy in a town where such things were prohibited.

So no, Richie does not trust himself around Eddie.

He keeps a polite distance and only engages in small talk when others are present. And he stares longingly across the room at how handsome Eddie looks in his tuxedo and bites his tongue to not say anything about it.

Once it’s done and he’s given his man of honor speech – he excuses himself with Ben and Bev who look at him with knowing sad eyes and he tries to leave. But when he is walking towards the exit, across the gardens and to the parking lot, he hears someone running behind him.

“Hey!”

And then Eddie catches up to him and grabs him by the wrist.

It’s strange how familiar it is, how Eddie’s touch seems to soothe and calm the million thoughts that have been bouncing around his mind all day.

“Are you leaving?” Eddie asks, without letting go. “I thought Richie Tozier would be the first in line to party.”

“I didn’t want to keep your mom waiting.” Richie says.

Eddie moves his other hand and caresses Richie’s face, his fingertips moving over the stubble and Richie feels his knees wobble. This is so stupid. He is forty years old and he feels as if he were a teenager again, with Eddie pushing him aside, trying to crawl into hammock with him.

“I have to – “ Richie stutters and is fucking embarrassing. “I’ll see you around Spagheds.”

And he runs out.

-

Richie ends up going to New York.

He doesn’t tell Eddie. One day he just wakes up and he feels just – he needs to be there. So, he buys a ticket and spends money he shouldn’t be spending.

He feels even more pathetic when he gets there.

It’s just – he wonders around New York and hopes in a city full of people that he will run into Eddie somehow. It’s stupid, honestly everything he is being doing is fucking stupid. It’s gets even dumber when he goes on a prowl online to look what is the name of the company where Eddie works.

It’s so fucking stupid.

He ends up catching sight of Eddie – at five when he is walking out of the tall building. And Richie truly feels like an idiot by the way his heart fucking stutters in his chest. Eddie looks – soft. His shirt is pristine, and he is wearing slacks and some fancy shoes, the sleeves of his shirt are rolled up and the first button of his shirt is undone.

Richie wants to run towards him. To reach out for a quick moment – he misses Eddie so much. He remembers being young and thinking about how much he loved Eddie – how much love he was trying to hide and how afraid he was it would pour out at the wrong moment and everyone would see.

But now Eddie knows – and he doesn’t have to hide it anymore.

It’s fucking terrifying.

Richie watches Eddie walk away – and he turns around and goes back to his sad hotel room. Knowing Eddie is somewhere close for him to reach, but still not close enough. Just like it’s been their whole entire lives.

He gets in a flight back to L.A. the next day.

-

Mike comes up to visit him.

Richie always felt at ease with Mike, he’s just one of those people that make him slow down. He feels as if he’s actually listening whenever Richie opens his mouth even if he’s just spewing bullshit.

And Florida has been good to him. He looks happy and relaxed; the line of his shoulders isn’t stiff like the last time they met.

“I went to New York before coming here,” Mike says one night, while they are sitting down on the small balcony the house has, overlooking the L.A. skyline.

“Hm.” Is all Richie provides as an answer, because he hasn’t spoken to Eddie since – well since he confessed his undying love in the most embarrassing way.

“He looks worse than you do, if it makes you feel better.”

Richie bites the inside of his cheek. “It does not, Mikey. But thanks for trying, I was hoping I’d get you in the divorce.”

“There was a divorce?”

“You know what happened, Mike.” Richie says, “Please don’t make me relive it.”

Mike looks confused at this.

“What do you think happened Rich?” He asks, while he moves his beer bottle around.

“I just had this secret with me – and once I said it out loud nothing changed. And I didn’t expect it to. But maybe some part of me did.” Richie explains, keeping his eyes fixed on the stars he can spot.

“You were hoping for Eddie to do a big romantic gesture and show up here and sweep you off your feet?” Mike asks laughing but it’s not mean.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh about my school girl fantasies.” Richie says, “It just hurt me to know he didn’t – if it had been the other way round, I’d just. I wouldn’t stand to be a minute more without being next to him.”

“Well, everyone is different.” Mike says, “We all have to carry our own cross.”

Richie just nods and after a few seconds Mike laughs and whistles as he leans back on the chair.

“I would have expected Marsh and Hanscom to have this tragic, spanning years and continents life ruined shit.”

“Well you know me,” Richie says jokingly, “I can’t let fucking Molly Ringwald one up me.”

-

And then.

On Thursday, Richie is arriving at his house, he decided to walk which was a terrible fucking idea considering how much he smokes or how much fucking smog is in the air in the fucking city. So, he’s coughing his way up to the hill where he lives, wishing he had taken a fucking cab.

When he gets to the door – barely alive – he pushes it open and as soon as he steps into his house, something feels off.

He doesn’t know what exactly, but he has this feeling, he walks slowly inside, grabbing an umbrella from the coat rack by the door and he walks, slowly into his own home.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

He hears the voice behind him and about jumps three feet in the air, dropping the umbrella ungracefully. When he turns around, Eddie is standing right in front of him.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Eddie says while he crosses his arms. “Why would you leave and leave your door unlocked? And why would you walk into your house with a fucking umbrella when you suspect a home invasion? Are you actively trying to die?”

“What the fu – “ Richie tries to get out – confused by this weird dream he has walked into. Maybe he passed out on the street and died, and this is him arriving to heaven. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m fucking mad at you.”

“And you had to come all the way to L.A. to tell me that?”

Eddie stares at him as if he could eat him alive – and not in a good way.

“I could beat you up.”

“Believe me when I say I am completely aware.” Richie says and a second later, Eddie pushes him against the wall. And _damn – _alright. “I’m really hoping, you are not going to. I’m a weak old man. Also, it would be a hate crime.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Eddie says, “Why did you come to New York?”

Richie drops his funny act and feels a drop cold sweat run down his back.

“What?”

“So now you are going to just stare and act like a fuckin’ fish?” Eddie says, “I got a divorce. And the very day I was going to go sign my papers – I walk out of the office and what do I see? A fucking ridiculous man standing across the street wearing a fucking orange Hawaiian shirt.”

Richie curses inwardly. Eddie punctuates every word by pushing his finger into Richie’s chest.

“And I think – what the fuck like he came to look for me and so I pretend I’m walking to wait for you to yell my name. But when I turn – you are not there anymore, _you_ disappeared.”

Eddie is still talking, but he doesn’t look angry anymore. He looks scared and he looks a bit sad.

“And I spent the last three weeks trying to figure out, like what the fuck. Like did I just blow my entire life away and he just doesn’t want me anymore? But then I thought, the life I blew away was fucking shit either way so who gives a fuck.”

When he finishes, his breath is labored, and Richie drops his eyes and notices – Eddie is swimming in the grey wool sweater he has on.

“Is that my sweater?”

Eddie drops his hands from where he is holding Richie against the wall and steps back.

“No,” he says. “It’s mine now.”

Richie arches his eyebrow.

“And if you are kicking me out you can’t have it. I’m keeping it.” Eddie adds, and it’s like someone has put him on super speed again because the words come out faster than Richie can hear them, “And if you have a new boyfriend or whatever I don’t care. This sweater is mine now.”

“What the fuck,” Richie mutters, believing this is truly the weirdest dimension.

He sees how glassy Eddie’s eyes look. No, this isn’t right.

“I’m not kicking you out.” Richie says slowly. “Why are you here?”

“I’m here because I love you fucking stupid assh – “

Richie doesn’t need more.

Suddenly, it’s like his brain has been kicked back into full speed and he realizes – and he runs towards Eddie and hugs him, lifting him from the ground a bit. Eddie smells like hand sanitizer and soap and _Eddie_. It’s stupid that he ever thought he was going to be able to live without hearing Eddie saying it, and it’s just like when they were kids. Everything is achingly familiar and yet it has changed so much.

And when Eddie wraps his arms around his neck, Richie feels electricity from his head to his feet.

“Rich…” Eddie whispers.

And Richie kisses him.

And the kiss is every laugh they had ever shared. Every photobooth strip and every afternoon fighting over the hammock. It tastes like vanilla cones and Eddie’s extra puff that Richie kept. It’s the splinters that he found in his fingers after he cut their initials into the kissing bridge. The fear he had felt all those years – trying to hide all this love to not lose Eddie completely.

Eddie’s hands hold Richie’s face, his thumbs sweeping the tears Richie didn’t realize he was crying. And Eddie – god he kisses Richie deeply sighing against his lips.

When they pull away, Richie can’t believe the sight of Eddie’s mused up hair and red cheeks and his puffy lips. And he feels some strange pride thinking – _I did that._

“I’m not interested on learning how to love someone that isn’t you.” Richie finally says. “I’ve loved you my entire life – even when,”

“If you are going to say that you loved me when you didn’t remember me,” Eddie says and he is laughing in that adorable way that makes his nose scrunch.

“Can I be fucking romantic? Jesus Christ.” Richie says but he is also biting down laughter and he stumbles, falling on the couch with Eddie half on top of him.

Eddie kisses him again, even more intense that the time before, he is desperate to touch every place he can reach, Richie’s chest, his happy trail made up of jet black hair, the dimples at the bottom of his back. He bites down on the place where Richie’s neck meets his shoulder.

And he uses the other hand to hold Richie’s head in place, tangled in his dark curly hair.

“All this time I thought – I was trying so hard to balance of the bullshit my mom ever put into my head. And all the shit that is still in there. I tried so hard to convince myself that what I thought I felt when I was with you wasn’t –“

He lets his hand fall against Richie’s hipbone, and he sighs.

“But it’s you,” Eddie finally says, “You’re _my_ Richie.”

They kiss again and Richie feels as if he is melting and he might fall of the couch if Eddie doesn’t hold him there. It’s stupid how warm his chest feels.

“It’s funny you’d bring up your mom when we are in this situation –“ Richie starts.

Eddie laughs but he doesn’t stop kissing him. “Stop talking.” He says as he moves to fully straddle Richie. “Or your dentures are going to fall off.”

“Well I was going to stick my hand down your pants but I don’t want you to get massive heart failure right here.”

Eddie laughs and he pushes Richie’s hair out of his face.

He is so tired. Tired of running and carrying the weight of the world in his shoulders. Tired of secrets and of past trauma and of just everything. But he feels impossibly grateful. Now – he can have this.

If he had to wait 27 years more. Well, he would have done so.

“I really love you Richie.” Eddie finally says, tired and sincere as he leans down and presses his face onto Richie’s chest. “I forgot and I was scared – but I did.”

“I know,” Richie says, trying to keep serious but he is so happy – he just can’t. “You carved a heart for me on the kissing bridge.”

“Oh shut up,” Eddie says as he snuggles, closing his eyes.

“You had a crush on me,” Richie sing songs. “That’s embarrassing.”

“I cannot stand you.” Eddie whispers but he moves his head to press a kiss against Richie’s neck.

-

**richie**

_not to be a hoe on main but…I brought a hottie home last night_

**bev**

_did u mean to message me privately and accidentally sent this here…._

**richie**

_certainly not marsh, I want everyone to know about my successful sex life_

**bill**

_weird flex but ok_

**richie **

_good man bill!!! Uve been doing ur memesearch_

**richie**

_wait let me snap a quick pix_

**mike**

_if you send us post sex pics im def selling them to tmz_

**richie**

_look!_

**bev**

_WHAT THE FUCK_

**ben**

_congrats u two!!! Im so happy_

**bill**

_when he wakes up is over for u richie_

**mike**

_yes he is going to murder u richie it was nice knowing u_

**bev**

_im so mad this is how im finding out WHAT THE FUCK im coming back from my honeymoon and murdering u_

**eddie**

_no way bev I have dibs on this_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasnt planning on doing anything else with this - but i then really found myself wanting to write something from eddies pov. i just want to give a quick warning that this is not, at least to me, as lighthearted as the first part. there are some long parts with talk about the abusive relationships in eddies life as well as bev's. so please take care of yourself <3 the song at the beginning is looking too closely by fink.

_This is a song about somebody else_  
_ So don't worry yourself, worry yourself_  
_ The devil's right there right there in the details_  
_ And you don't want to hurt yourself, hurt yourself_  
_ Looking too closely_

_Put your arms around somebody else_  
_ Don't punish yourself, punish yourself_  
_ Truth is like blood underneath your fingernails_  
_ And you don't want to hurt yourself, hurt yourself_  
_ Looking too closely_

Eddie goes through several therapists the first month he gets back to New York.

The first one gets the boot almost immediately for the simple fact that before the session starts he walks into the bathroom and – it’s a small apartment and Eddie can hear the tap never turns on. He is not about to trust someone who doesn’t wash his hands to dabble in his brain.

The second one – she chews gum _loudly_ with her mouth open and 20 minutes in tries to suggest Eddie has some kind of road rage type of thing which he does not. It’s not his fault people are assholes and don’t know how to drive.

The thing about therapy is that it requires some level of honestly – a lot if you want it to actually work. And it’s hard to tell a certified professional about a demon clown from outer space who ate children without ending up in a mental institution.

And it’s also hard to make time to go to therapy sneaking out from under Myra’s thumb – especially with the big guns she has brought out since he came back from Derry.

So, when Eddie finally arrives to the third shrink’s office, he is tired, frustrated and annoyed.

And not expecting the opening question the man with the strange kind eyes asks,

“What do _you_ want to talk about?”

The thing is, Eddie is not stupid.

He is a coward of course – scared of most things, his mom being the main inspiration of his unwavering fear – and once she was gone, that place had been filled by his wife. For most of his life he has tried to ignore and push down anything that gave him an impulse to step out of his comfort zone.

Maybe not when he was a kid but that’s not the point – he barely remembers.

The point is, he is not stupid, but he is not brave either. Richie is supposed to be the brave one, no matter what he said. For fuck’s sake Richie had killed a fucking person and he still couldn’t get the nerve to do anything about – this fucking _unspoken_ thing between them. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic really.

“Well it seems like attending your high school reunion has certainly awakened something.” His therapist – Matt, said on their third session.

“Um,” Eddie said. “Well, I guess.” And then, “So how do I make it stop?”

Matt laughs.

-

So, Eddie continues his life as it was, goes home and sleeps on the couch and wonders how much fucking worse it can get – knowing what it is that thing you feel a constant deep longing for and couldn’t quite remember before.

He stays late in his office sometimes – and then one day he takes the bottle of whisky one of his clients had gifted a few years back and that he has kept hidden in the bottom drawer of his desk and he opens it.

The whisky tastes like shit, but after two glasses he feels warm and content and he kind of gets why people drink. He thinks he misses Richie and ignores all of his good sense to go ahead and call him.

Richie’s voice is laced with tiredness and sweet familiar teasing and Eddie misses him so much more. It makes him want to cry.

Instead he ends up saying _Fuck you_ and hanging up.

-

“Well everyone knew about R- about my friend, I guess.”

Matt hums. “What did everyone know?”

“That he was – well that he liked boys.”

At least Eddie knew. Or suspected. He never had confirmation because it was obviously something – something Richie did not like to talk about. But they lived in a small fucking town in Maine, and people talked. He had spent his entire high school years reading on bathroom stalls about how _Richie Tozier likes to suck dick_.

As they got older it was obvious the way Bowers had seemed to specifically target Richie with _that _word every time their paths crossed. But since Richie had never brought it up there was an unspoken agreement between all the losers – no one wanted to make him uncomfortable.

And since the attention was always on Richie, it had all made it easier for Eddie to ignore everything that was constantly bubbling to the surface whenever Richie’s rough fingers touched him anywhere.

Richie had run out of Derry as soon as he could – and gone as far as he had been able to.

And now, Richie had told them all in a group chat the way someone tells a story about how they are getting a dog. And it’s not – Eddie did not want to make it as a big deal is just. He always had thought, Richie would tell him first.

“Well – you have to understand, and this is an assessment I’m making based purely on what you told me, that for your friend this was probably, the most difficult thing to say to you and all your other friends. All of his life he’s been scared of rejection because of this, so it would make sense he would try to pass it off as something of no importance and in some way where he could pull away if he got a hurtful response.”

Eddie hums. He hates it when Matt has a point.

“I would have never been hurtful. Not about this.” And he adds, “I would never hurt Richie.”

“I’m not saying you would.” Matt agrees. “I’m just telling you to try to put yourself in his shoes for a bit.”

_I am, _Eddie wants to scream. _I have been living in his fucking shoes my entire life I am just fucking terrified of saying it even inside my own head._

“Makes sense.” Eddie says instead.

-

The next time he feels his palms tingling and itching to call Richie – he realizes he has not had a drop and is actually the middle of the day and he would have no excuse to do so. So instead, he calls Bev.

“Eddie!” She says and she sounds so fucking happy. There is a dog barking on the back and Eddie can hear Ben saying something. “Sweetie, how are you?”

“Bevvie,” he barely gets out before he has to pull the car over because his hands are shaking. “I’m not – I am – “

He didn’t expect to have a full-blown panic attack. He was just calling to avoid – Richie. But it feels like he is getting a peek into the well-deserved happiness that Bev is getting – a warm home with Ben and their dog. And Eddie is still a million miles away from the only person he thinks he might remotely care about in some romantic way.

“Honey,” Bev says but she sounds more alert now. “Are you ok?”

“I’m not,” He says because it’s easier saying it through the phone and it’s easier saying to her. Beverly understands things about him – in a way none of his other friends could. “I’m not Bev.”

“It’s hard,” she says. “You know it’s not like in the movies, right? Is not like you wake up one day and you realize the shitty cycle you are stuck on and you walk out.”

Eddie makes a noise – something akin to a sob because they’ve never, they’ve never talked about it that openly. Only one time when they were kids Beverly had looked at him and said _“You know your mom is just as bad as my dad, right?” _and Eddie had decided to ignore it and push it down – and then Bev had left.

“Everyday when I was coming home from work – I remember I used to walk because I wanted to take as long as possible – I always thought about what he, what Tom was going to pick to be mad about today, you know?” Bev says in a soft tone. “Was it going to be the fact that I had worn a shirt that was translucent? Was it that I didn’t want to cook dinner? Or was it just the fact that I was there for him to take it out on?”

“Bev,”

He wants to say, _Myra is not like that, _but he recognizes the panic that clenches his stomach every time he steps into his building’s elevator. The same panic that used to seize him whenever his mother would sigh and look away, the familiar expression of disappointment on her face.

“And when I thought these things – I walked into the house we shared, and I was so certain. This was the moment I was going to leave him, you know?” Bev keeps talking – ignoring his interruption. “But every time I lost my nerve. I went back at what was familiar and what I had known my whole life. Because stepping out of it meant – well I didn’t know what it meant.” She sighs. “But it was better. I promise you, it’s so much better.”

“I feel so stupid,” Eddie admits finally. “I feel so weak.”

“Eddie, you are not stupid or weak. You have survived things most people can’t even imagine.” Bev says, “You deserve to be happy.”

Eddie stays quiet, his fingers clenching and unclenching around the steering wheel.

“We love you so much Eddie,” she says softly. “We are all going to be there for you no matter what you decide.”

He suddenly feels exposed – as if he were standing naked in the middle of the street. The familiar constriction he associates with asthma wraps around his trachea and he -

“Thanks Bevvie,” Eddie says. “I have to go now, but please tell Ben I say hi.”

“I will sweetie.”

-

The next time he talks to Bev – is after Richie has done his first show since Derry and after he sends that ridiculous picture of the three of them to their group chat.

He actually calls Richie’s number because he is so – he is bubbling with so much pride for him he just wants to say something stupid. But it’s Beverly who picks up – she sounds giddy but not completely drunk.

“Eddie!” She says giggling into the phone. “I’m sorry, Richie’s like at least two levels higher than drunk as fuck right now.”

Eddie hears some noise in the background – Richie is yelling and Ben is laughing.

“I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t be drinking like that at forty but – it was his big night so.”

“I just wanted to say – Never mind.” He sighs. “Don’t tell him I called.”

“Okay,” Bev says in a weird tone. “I doubt he will remember a thing about tonight anyway.”

_“I want my pasta!” _He hears Richie yelling. _“Ben, I want my pasta!”_

_“For the last time, Eddie is not here.” _Ben answers laughing.

“I have to go.” Eddie says and tries to ignore the twist of his gut at Richie’s voice. “Bye Bevvie.”

-

His moment of fucking epiphany comes finally – at the worst possible time as it always done.

Central Park is nice on the summer afternoons – if he ignores how dirty it is and what are the probabilities of getting mugged. It’s also the place where Eddie has been going when he doesn’t feel like staying in his office or the car and doesn’t want to go home yet.

He is sitting on a bench somewhere – staring out at what seems an endless space of grass when he sees a group of teens, probably not older than fifteen drop all of their things onto the grass and sit down.

There are two girls and three boys. One of the girls is talking animatedly with one of the boys and the look on the other girl’s face is – is _just_. It lasts barely a second because she leans forward, pushing her head onto her friend’s lap and the attention of the other girl immediately goes back to her.

She smiles so bright – and tries to hide it against her friend’s leg. Her friend rolls her eyes but pushes her long fingers through the mess of curls in her lap.

Eddie can’t breathe.

He suddenly feels his heart seizing up in his chest – looking at these two girls play at something they don’t want to name. All he can thinks about is Richie’s fingers against his leg while they struggled to fit in a hammock that was too small for both of them, Richie’s hands squeezing his face and calling him cute over and over.

How Eddie had complained. How he tried to push him away. Always waiting for the next moment his best friend hands would find their way onto him.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself. “I’m fucking gay.”

He hears a snort and turns around to look – at his bench mate.

“This is New York honey,” the man says smiling. “You ain’t that special.”

-

The thing is – once he starts remembering he can’t fucking stop.

It’s like all of the memories that had come back before come back even stronger, somehow. Now Eddie can see what was behind every touch, every shove, every teasing joke. All of the things he had tried to dismiss as meaningless once, were not.

He remembers how Richie had used to climb onto his room every night for years and years, how Eddie locked his door and waited, how they woke up every morning, their limbs tangled together, Richie’s hair tickling his nose.

How he had always wanted Richie’s attention on him – even when he had pretended to be annoyed by it. How after a fight with his mom where she had forbidden him to see Richie again, Eddie had gone to that bridge and with trembling hands had carved Richie’s initial with a heart around it.

Eddie had always thought love – as it was put as in movies and books was a complete blatant lie. But – he does realize now it was because he didn’t know what love looked like. He had never known love – so when he had it he had not been able to recognize it at all.

Love looked like tickle fights, and like pressing his open palm against a pale chest when he felt an asthma attack coming, love looked like kind words and a stupid joke about his mom. Love looked like someone who had never tried to control him – just protect him without totally annulling him as a person.

Love looked like Richie.

He tells Richie – or at least he tries to even though he is sure he sounds like a mess. But he misses him so much, even hearing him through the phone makes him feel like he is getting closer. Closer to being brave, closer to being happy.

He feels so embarrassed after – as if he’s revealed some big secret and now it’s out there in the open for everyone to see. For Richie to see. He can’t muster up the courage to call Richie again, at least not for a while. But he _yearns _so badly for him – in a way he didn’t even think it was possible.

When Richie announces via text that he is getting a Netflix special Eddie feels so fucking proud, and then he realizes, he has not seen any of Richie’s shows since he rebranded, and he suddenly feels extremely curious.

That night, he does stay at his office but as soon as he is certain he is alone he pulls up a shitty video of one of Richie’s shows from YouTube and hits play. The quality is bad, he barely can make out Richie’s face but he can still spot the small lock of hair that falls over his eyes. It makes his hands sweat.

“_So, I know everyone has been hoping for me to have a juicy story on why I disappeared and I have got to warn you guys – I do not have a Britney in 2009 kind of story. My rep actually did suggest I should shave my hair but I think it’d be sad at this point like – what the fuck right?”_

The audience laughs. Even in the grainy video Eddie can see Richie is happy – he looks, relaxed. The words roll off his tongue easily, nothing like before. Eddie even finds himself snorting and laughing through it.

He gets into his childhood – he calls whatever the fuck they did in Derry a High School reunion of sorts without giving away too many specifics. It’s the next part that makes Eddie almost fall out of his chair.

_“- imagine my surprise when I realized oh man! The reason all my friends want this girl to pay attention to them and I don’t it’s probably because I’d rather have the attention of my hypochondriac bitchy miniature fanny pack wearing elf!_ _So like a fucking idiot I went to this cheesiest spot in town and I carved our initials together inside a heart. Honestly is there a more graphic definition of a tragic gay disaster?”_

Eddie’s mouth feels as if he’d just tried to swallow a glass of sand. He pauses the video and rewinds, watches it once, twice, three times just to make sure he is hearing right. After the fourth time he picks up his phone with shaky hands and pulls up Richie’s chat to record an audio of it and without thinking about it hits send.

He drops his phone onto his lap and pulls out the half full whiskey bottle from the last drawer of his desk.

-

“Eddie sweetie,” Bev’s voice sounds soft on the other side of the line. “How are you?”

“Bevvie,” Eddie mutters even if he is alone in his car. “I’m calling because I need – I.” He breathes. “Could you give me your lawyer’s number?”

Bev doesn’t answer for a minute and then. “Oh, yes of course.”

He hears noise as if she’s moving around.

“I’m,” Eddie tries again but it’s difficult to say anything. “I don’t think I can tell her. I don’t want to see her.”

“Honey, that’s okay.” Bev says. “You don’t have to see her ever again if you don’t want to. You don’t have to explain anything to her. You don’t owe her anything, you know that right?”

Eddie sighs. “How am I going to get my things? She is always home and I – “

“You can lie to her if you have to.” Bev says, “Tell her you are going on a business trip and just take the essentials. Or you can just leave it behind. Get new things and start a new life.”

“I don’t’ want to lie to her,” Eddie says quickly. “She doesn’t deserve that. She just tried to take care of me and I – “

“Eddie,” Bev says gently. “You don’t have to make excuses for her anymore.”

They are both quiet for a few minutes, the sound of Bev shuffling through papers is the only thing that fills Eddie’s car.

“I found it!” she announces. “I’ll text you the number and I’ll call him to let him know I know you. He is a great lawyer Eddie, he specializes in…tricky divorces.”

_Tricky like mine was. Like yours is. _Is implied.

“Bevvie,” Eddie says, it’s barely audible he is biting his lip so hard to fight back the burning of his eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything sweetie.”

“Did you know I was in love with Rich?” Eddie sighs, “Was I always in love with him?” And then the sob comes.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Bev mutters and she shuffles the phone closer. “I think so.” She says sweetly. “What brought this on?”

“I told him.”

“Oh.” Bev says and she sounds genuinely surprised. “Well, what did he say?”

“He said he loved me too.” And his voice breaks.

“Why do you sound so sad about it, sweetheart?”

“I’m not. I’m just.” Eddie tries to explain, “I wish it were easier. I wish he could just come here and we could ignore everything. But I know I have to – “

“Close a chapter before you start with a new one.”

Eddie hums. “Why is everything so fucking hard?”

“I don’t know Eddie.” Bev says sincerely. “But I promise you once you are on the other side it will be so worth it. Even in the days when you can’t stand Richie. You will be so grateful. And not just for him – because you deserve it too.”

Eddie laughs. “How come you are so smart Bevvie?”

And she laughs too, in a way that Eddie can almost picture her bright eyes and all her teeth showing, her fiery hair moving along to the sound.

“It’s easy with you boys. You are all pretty dumb.”

Eddie laughs again and leans forward, to grab a tissue from his glovebox to wipe out the ridiculous tears he has been crying.

“You better save some of those tears for my wedding Eddie,” Bev says teasingly. “If you are not crying you can’t come.”

“That depends.” Eddie says, “Is Ben still going with the January embers things or is he finally going to get some new material?”

Bev cackles.

-

Eddie does end up lying to Myra, but it’s not a total lie so he doesn’t feel as bad.

He packs to go to Ben and Bev’s wedding, he just omits the little detail that he is not coming back ever and that she’s probably going to get divorce papers while he is away, but honestly – doing all of this has taken such a toll on him that he doesn’t think he is strong enough to face her manipulation.

Bev’s voice is in his head when he walks out and for a moment – he feels just as he had felt when he had gotten out of his mother’s house in Derry. He is free.

He hopes it lasts longer this time.

The wedding is beautiful – Eddie barely remembers his own wedding, but he is sure he is going to remember this one. Everyone is so genuinely happy, it’s a bit overwhelming. So much that he almost forgets – until he sees Richie across the room talking to Bill.

It’s the first time he’s seen Richie since he realized – and confessed he is in love with him. As soon as he sees him, he feels like he is back to being thirteen, his hands start sweating and he feels dizzy.

It’s fucking stupid.

Richie avoids him all night- in a very un-Richie manner. If their friends notice, they don’t say anything. If they notice the frown in his face when he comes back from the garden, after following Richie like a stupid kid with a crush – they don’t mention it.

That night he goes back to his hotel room and when he checks his cellphone, he notices he has over 50 missed calls from Myra. He deletes them all and goes to sleep.

When Eddie gets back to New York, the divorce lawyer already had everything ready.

He goes to stay in a hotel – as far from the apartment where he used to live as he can find. He tries to stop taking one pill every week – Matt says he has to take it easy even if Eddie wishes he could cut off every part of his life that makes him feel miserable.

He understands it’s not possible – that he needs to learn to live with every part of his life that has already happened. But he wants so badly to just – want something. And get it.

And he wants Richie.

-

Mike comes to visit him a week after – he even makes a point of staying in the same hotel Eddie’s is staying at just so they can hang out. It makes Eddie realize how much he has missed being with his friends – having someone to talk to even about dumb shit.

The last night before Mike leaves – they end up in his hotel room eating shitty pizza and watching dumb cartoons.

“I’ve decided to go to L.A. next instead of Boston.” Mike says at some point.

“Oh,” Eddie mutters and he drops the slice of pizza on his paper plate. “I’m sure – Richie will be glad to see you.”

“You both make this way more complicated than it is man.” Mike says and he laughs. “You know if I thought I’d love someone half as much as you’ve told me you love him. I’d be on a plane to them right now.”

Eddie huffs.

“I don’t know what he wants.”

Mike laughs harder at this.

“You know Eddie,” he says “when we were in Neibolt – after you, after you had gotten fucking impaled man. You know we all thought you were dead.”

Eddie nods. He feels the scar across his chest ache.

“Now Richie is a fucking skinny guy, but when I tried to pull him off you – with Ben I may add, he fucking fought us. And he fought us off.”

Eddie feels as if suddenly his tongue is too big for his mouth.

“He elbowed Ben in the face and kneed me in the stomach and made it very clear that if our idea was to leave you there – we were going to have to leave him too.”

Eddie knows this. And he doesn’t feel resentful towards his friends – he had stopped breathing, his heart had stopped so many times on the way to the hospital, it was a miracle he was alive at all. Bill had told him after – how Richie had screamed and held onto Eddie’s body until all of them had realized the only way to get Richie out would be to take Eddie as well.

“What I’m trying to say man,” Mike says, “Is that I think what Richie wants is the same as what he’s always wanted. He wants _you_.”

There’s a second of silence and –

“He is on some self-sacrificial bullshit of never telling you because he didn’t want to lose you, but he has always wanted you. So much – he was willing to let himself be buried under that house so you wouldn’t be there alone.”

His hands are shaking, and he feels the familiar burn in the back of his eyes. He remembers – how Richie had almost died. He remembers being kids and how Richie had lost his shit when Eddie had broken his arm – how Bill had punched in the middle of the street.

“I want him too.” He confesses. “I just don’t know –“

“It’s ok not to know everything Eddie.” Mike says, and Eddie finds himself believing those words.

-

And then.

Eddie wakes up disoriented.

The sheets feel soft under his cheek, which is weird because the ratty hotel he’s been living in for the last few weeks has awful scratchy sheets. The mattress also feels softer, dipping under his body slightly.

He opens his eyes and – oh.

He is with Richie.

The soft sheets and the comfortable bed of Richie’s house in L.A. He is sleeping in Richie’s bed, wearing his clothes, everything around him smells and feels like Richie. Warm, inviting, familiar.

Richie is not sleeping next to him – but he hears noises coming from the kitchen and the bed is still warm on his side – so he must have gotten up minutes ago. Eddie is still tired from the flight – he feels as if he could stay in bed all day.

He reaches for his phone and quickly checks his messages – he sees the picture Richie sent of him sleeping, curled up and relaxed against Richie’s body. He answers quickly but there is no heat behind it – the picture makes him happy. It’s the first – of their life together.

As if Richie has read his thoughts – he walks back into the room a second later, holding two cups of coffee and smiles when he finds Eddie is awake.

“Good morning Spaghetti Man.” He says and he puts down both cups on his nightstand to sit down and lean forward, tangling his fingers in Eddie’s hair.

Richie kisses him slow and sweet – caressing Eddie’s face. He kisses him just for the thrill of it. It makes Eddie’s heart beat faster. When he breaks the kiss he doesn’t move away – he just rests his forehead against Eddie’s keeping him close.

“I love you.” Eddie says because he can. Because he wants to allow himself to be cheesy and annoying and in love – all of those things he didn’t get to be the last forty years.

Richie smiles. “I love you too.”


End file.
